- Blog.
- Fret about anything blog-worthy. Kind of. I had a crazed day at the mall (and a week compiled of me leaning on tables and tapping my fingers in my conundrum of my lack of Valentine's Day gift IDEA) with a couple girlfriends, WRM and SN, where I had worked 5 hours in the morning having woken up at an ungodly 8:15am. Did I mention that I've woken this early exactly twice in the past two months, or that I didn't fall asleep until 6am? Plus I tripped on hard, cold, unforgiving concrete last night and I have a hand-sized bruise on my left knee to show for it.
Although really, if I was naive, I would say that Boyfriend cools my head down, and helps me sort out my troubles and he's really a therapeutic tool of sorts (who buys me flowers and chocolates and etcetera). But no, I'm not naive and I still have a hot head and my troubles may as well be as organized as the summation of China's landfills. But he makes me smile and it's amazing how he laughs at something no one but me would understand. By this, I mean the awkward and/or random things my digressive mind generates on a routine-basis. In any case, he makes me happy. It's incredibly random and spontaneous and irrational how it all came and continues going together for he and I.
However, it is important to point out I have a problem with Boyfriend (henceforth dubbed IM). Take this anecdote as an illustration of said problem. As I was shopping for the Twisted Monster Pink-Fused-Red Vomit holiday, WRM suggested that the present could be a nice picture frame with a nice picture of he and I in it. I was besought with myself, speechless in how I do not like that idea. I was basically thinking the following: "What the....". I didn't even finish off with the usual swear word. When I untangled my thoughts, my repulsion to that idea is that the gift would represent just the two of us. Enclosed in a frame. Just the two. And nothing else ever. The frame is like this little metaphorical constraint of everything. I mean, hello? There's nothing in there but our heads! ENCLOSED FOREVER (-ish)! So when you boil things down, I have commitment issues. Not that I'm a philanderer - of course not. It's that I don't want my heart to be broken. And loving him would be step one to that place of darkness. Committing to being with him is one of the preceding conditions that must be satisfied in order for the entire process of unconditional happiness to feeling like individually ripping your ribs out. In any case, yes. Commitment issues: I have them. It never occurred to me before today, actually. I just knew that I edged away from him a lot, that I don't reciprocate his "I love you"s, and I feel that it's rude to not say "I like you too". He knows that I'm not ready. And he doesn't push for it. Randomly out of nowhere one day, he asked "do you think that you'll ever be able to say it back?". I think I would be more likely to say it than not, and I told him such. He is okay with that. Why is he so forgiving of me for this flaw? This flaw of mine where I throw anything breakable into an underground, bomb-proof safe box. If we swapped shoes, I wouldn't be able to handle this flaw. I would leave, forget about my investments and go about being content with what investment potential I have remaining. (Metaphor alert! Investment = everything given by one party in a relationship for the relationship to function. Digression: I should make a metaphor dictionary full of this kind of goodies.) I am always my best protector, but I am only occasionally my worst enemy. So whatever it is that I'm doing is my best bet... even though I can see the potential of this viewpoint changing. I don't know. Don't listen to me.
In any case, I bought him a black sweater. I like boys in sweaters, so I figured he would be extra dashing in it.
In other news, Lululemon has this: http://shop.lululemon.com/Classic_T_II/pd/np/490/p/1757.html shown around its store. Yes, that sweaty, ugly hockey man with a bad dentist represents Canada. What. The. Fuck.
I'm exceptionally proud of EF. Love her.
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