When all is said and done (and evidently feared and reserved), I really want IM to be here and not on vacation in another continent. It's not that I don't want him to be gone, for he has retain his values and nurture his vivacity for travelling and adventure, but I miss his voice and his face and his hugs and his kisses. I miss him being here and protecting me.
(For the record, I don't know which of the two following personas are the lesser of 2 evils.)
Rational ShufflingHard Talking:
- It's a new relationship. It's perfectly normal to yearn for your boyfriend. It's the first time that the two of you have experienced a significant (though it's not really significant, it's only fourteen days, deal with it) time period away from each other.
- Again, it's two weeks. You need to study your ass off anyway. Remember that math assignment deadline waiting for you today at 11:59pm? Or that psych assignment, or biology lab, or all those ungodly exams lurking behind 2 weeks of the calendar? Yeah, get on them. Now? Please? Stop this goddamn blogging, Jesus.
- You're probably fucking menstruating anyways. Eat some chocolate, don't watch any chick flicks, go to sleep, go shopping, go to Starbucks, do anything. Listen to a podcast. You'll get over it. You're being silly.
The Actual/Stupid/Emotional ShufflingHard Talking:
- He's not here. The mirage of IM&RM is relinquished. I'm left with me and this fucking Rational ShufflingHard, and everything is apparently crumbling down. What's scary is that I care about him. It scares me how much I care. It's hard to not say those Huge Three Words back to him. I don't want to get hurt again. I think it's too soon.
- It has barely been two months. There hasn't been enough time for any red flags to pop up. With DM and DG, red flags sprung up every so often. Have I grown immune to seeing them? (No, I haven't. I am not the kind of person to not think.) Or have they gone past my radar? (He's 100% effective at passing his parent's lie detecting abilities.) Is it because I do not trust him? That I haven't had enough time and/or experience with him to cultivate trust? If so, then why is this even an issue?
- Maybe it's because I don't trust him with any part of me. The difference between platonic relationships and romantic ones is obviously the exclusivity of the latter. There's no one else to turn to if your significant other is lacking in something. A person's friends are not necessarily similar - in fact, they are often somewhat a juxtaposition of each other. The sum of one's friends is a support network. The sum of one boyfriend or girlfriend is a support pole. You can only love a person romantically in this exclusive way because there's only one of them to love. Friend-wise, this is not the case. I speak as though this is my first relationship. I speak as though I've never been in love before (..."love" is an ambiguous word. I think I was, at least).
- I don't want to get hurt. But I don't want IM to hurt me even more. I don't want anything to change, and I know that it will inevitably.
- I fear commitment/loving because I know it's all going to be for nothing. This is why it is scary for anything to start happening. I'd be my own hypocrite.
Meanwhile, that girl that you may have spent those formative years with, that robotically selfish only child, that self-proclaimed independent girl...
ReplyDeleteShe is going to tell you that she's thrown herself in with both feet.
She thinks she's loved before, but this time she's panicked. And ecstatic.
The thing about her guy is that, the new adventures, experiences and indulgences that she went away to pursue are the causes and effects of this relationship. And now she's attached. He's become an embodiment and reflection of these six months of her life. He feels like a real partner.
Yet, rest assured, she's equally as panicked as you, about getting hurt, about losing control, even about not obtaining success in the future because she may have wasted her time with him.
She doesn't know what purpose she is typing for. Maybe just for a sense of identification, of being able to relate to someone else.
Maybe she's looking back at the people she loves (like ShufflingHard) to understand this current love.
She doesn't know. She can only do and feel.